Finding Something Positive in the Loss of a Friend

Not two weeks after blogging about the loss of a friend, here I am again....lamenting the loss of someone else, someone gone too soon.  This person's name is AJ, and he and his husband Ray....we all met up on vacation, through mutual friends, and have kept up with each other over the last 3 years.  Ray and AJ were from NY and not what one would consider a traditional couple...there was a bit of an age difference...and I have never seen a couple so in love with each other.  The love in their eyes shown through when their eyes met, regardless of where they happened to be in the world.  I've seen numerous pictures of them, and I've taken several pictures of them when the love between them just seems to light up the room, infect those around them, and fill the sky with the most awesome scenes.  I can't imagine what Ray's going through...  Here are a couple of my shots of these boys from this past November....by far, my favorite pics from the whole week.

AJ and Ray

AJ and Ray

This Saturday marked the 2nd anniversary of the passing of a VERY dear friend of mine, Rev. Brooke Schneitman...and my heart still aches for her.  She's in a picture on my mantle, her cell phone number still in my iPhone address book because I can't bear to delete it.  She had and has to this day, a profound impact on my life, and I am a better person because of her.

Brooke

This weekend, I participated in a workshop that was sponsored by my favorite sign language interpreting agency, Deaf Access Solutions called The Dance of Self Discovery.  We had a very small, very diverse group and the workshop was absolutely wonderful...and uber therapeutic.  This workshop was a "safe-space" and I can't discuss the things that others said there, but I can talk about a fear that I discussed; it is *my* fear, after all.  I fear kidney dialysis because I have a congenital kidney disease.  I watched my grandfather go through years of dialysis before receiving a transplanted kidney, and there has been hints that my father may begin dialysis at sometime in the future...I'm hoping the more distant future than the more near future.  I also take a handful of pills on a daily basis, to help keep me healthy but, I go through most every day with constant, nagging pain (not terrible pain, but unrelenting, surely) and really rough fatigue.  Because of all of this, I have this irrational fear of dialysis, as well as the irrational fear of passing away, not having left my mark upon the world, not having made some positive impact that made someone's life, just a little better.  Let me say again....I know this is an irrational fear...but it's a fear none the less.  I have had people tell me how I've made their life better, but sometimes, that irrational "monkey" still insists on hanging on my shoulders.  I was asked by the Facilitator of the workshop some guiding questions and was able to articulate the fear that if I'm not remembered after I'm gone, was a I really ever here?  I want to say this again....it's an irrational fear...but aren't most?

I'm going to take these losses....and turn them into celebrations.  I'm going to celebrate Brooke's life, Paula's life, and AJ's life.  I'm going to remember that I have impacted others lives for the better...just as they've impacted mine.  I'm going to do some of the deep work that's needed to find a more profound sense of inner peace...and I'm going to thank my friends who're gone too soon for helping me to achieve this.  My life is better because of these three people, and I am determined not to forget it.

I love y'all!

Tell Your Family and Friends that You Love Them. NOW!!!

You know, I never feel so far from home, until there has been some kind of tragedy.  I never feel so connected to my small home town either, until there has been some kind of tragedy.  When horrible things happen, we rally around one another, lift each other up, and help each other through the pain of whatever has happened.  Here's the story...

This morning, I noticed a message on Facebook from a friend whom I'd recently reconnected with over the holidays.  The message was asking for prayers, as they had lost an extended member of the family in a car accident this morning.  Now, being from a small town, I don't know everyone, but I do know quite a few people, even still, so when I saw Jay's message, my stomach stirred a little.  Now, today, I'm working in a government agency where talking on the phone is tough, so when I saw one of my "brothers" calling from home, I knew that something had to be wrong.  It's not like Jeremy to call in the middle of the day.  He left a message, and it was then that I learned that a girl we'd grown up with, Paula Grant, now Paula Grant Woolard, had been killed in a car accident this morning, on icy roads between LaGrange and Kinston in NC.

Here's a little bit about Paula and I...I was a senior at North Lenoir High School and Paula was a freshman.  She was also the little sister of a buddy of mine, Jon.  We were both in our spring musical that year, the school year '93-'94 and we flirted and had a good time.  We went to the prom together...I'll never forget that red dress she wore...and the baby's breath in her hair.  Of course, I was as gay then as I am now, I just didn't know it.  Paula and I never really dated, but we did have little 'bouts where we'd get back up with each other, hang out at Wings and Ale a time or two...she even went to Christmas Eve service with my family several times.  I tried to be that guy for Paula, but just couldn't.

During college, we'd run into each other and things were always nice and pleasant.  When I came out, she was very supportive and when I saw her at the bank, we'd always spend a little time catching up.  I remember feeling a little twinge of jealousy when she dated Allen Pearson....he's been gone for about 2 years now.... lost in the line of duty as a Detective for the Lenoir County Sheriff's Office.  I remember seeing her at Jeremy and Erica's wedding...when she was pregnant with her first baby...and introducing her to Justin, my now husband...and she said he was cute.....and how that meant a lot to me because she understood, why all those years ago, why things hadn't worked out between us.  And that it was ok.

You know....I don't really know what else to say.....there is a husband who will have to cope with the loss of his wife, 3 children that will have only vague memories of their mommy, a mother and father who will have to deal with the ultimate heartbreak of losing a child, and a brother who will be lost without his sister.  And then....there's everyone else.  Our community.  Our town.  Our home.  None of these things will ever be the same.

Paula, even though we didn't talk much anymore...just now and then over Facebook, I'll miss you.  You were lots of firsts for me...the first girl that ever thought I was cute...my first prom date... I pray for healing for everyone...and for some positive to come out of this...even if it's just to slow down or avoid icy roads all together...or just to remember that life...truly is fleeting....and that we should all tell folks how we feel about them....before we don't have the chance to.

I love y'all...and even tho I'm not home in Kinston....my mind and my heart are there...as are my tears.